How do I go on?
After all, I have no sales under my belt. My name is not found on www.imdb.com and my words have no weight with agents and execs. So why am I still here? Is it a fling? A little crush or even a hobby to occupy my spare time?
And there it is, the combination of things crushing into the world of many writers I know and yet, it's not like being in a tunnel without a light. We see the light. We got to feel it coming closer even when we are not even moving at the pace we want. We have to believe we can reach it and eventually, we will be able to be where we hope to be. Why? Because we are the ones that entered the tunnel. No one pushed us in there. We volunteered ourselves, didn't we?
It's a drive and not something that different from a race. It's how hard I want it. It's how hard I want to get there first with all the right things in hand. I got to remember that everyone can come up with an idea. It is how it's executed that will count. How much passion I have in my mind and my words that will probably be the deal maker (or breaker). Do I have it? Do you have it? Or is it that a couple of months down the line, you will drop this investment down to the side and work on something else?
In my case and like I've mentioned it before. It's really all I have. EVERY DAMN thing I am writing is about movies or with them in mind. Do I love it? Do I crave it? People around me can tell I live for it. I breath and eat it. Sacrifices and everything I got plunged into it. IT better be worth it right? IT is all that really matters to me. Getting where I want. Living comfortably. Meeting those guys and girls I've always wanted to see face to face. It's all up to me. I don't just want in. I want to live in it. Some might think it 's pathetic how much effort I make on something that might never get me anywhere. Well, I believe I will get there. 10 years TOP to make it in and tell you how pathetic I am? I'm probably going to go down on my knees and cry after seeing my credit on the screen. No, screw option payments...It's a good start but it's not enough. I crave for so much more. Red carpet! Yeah, baby!
DREAM ON! REALITY CHECK!
No! Yes! It's a dream I'm working on and it hurts me. I have almost no social life anymore. Coffee time? Hell, that's as much social I get right now but I don't mind. I'm not complaining and for those nay-sayer out there, this blog is never about complaining. It's about analyzing where I want to be. Where you want to be and maybe, where some are already.
I got muses...I said to myself I've got to have a few things I want to get out of this dream of mine. The harder one believes in them, the harder it would be for others to burst that bubble. Mine is close to steel at this point. I've waited long enough and I know I can get there. I just want to establish myself well enough not to be a one hit wonder. No siree Bob, I want to be remembered as a story teller. I want people to say my name when a genre is talked about. It's my wish. It's my only biggest muse.
Am I there yet?
I would be a liar to affirm anything in that aspect. All I can say is I know I have gone a long way and there's still a long way to go. At least I admit it. I don't pretend. I am learning and that's how I will get better. This is how I will climb up because I do believe mistakes and errors do teach me something valuable in the craft of screenwriting. I am still there.
Of course, material stuff are great but it's just a way to get where I want to be. There are so many actresses, actors, directors and fellow screenwriters I want to meet. There is my Natalie Portman out there. Just the possibility of working side by side with them. It makes me smile. It makes me even float away but I am good at slapping myself. I criticize myself to such an extent I need others to remind me it will be okay. It is my little weakness but I believe it will be just fine. We all live our little lives and in our little world. Some are closer than others to the smell of success. I don't envy them. I encourage them and I do work to join them as soon as I can.
It's really easy to criticize and to put down someone else's dream but I also believe that what comes around, goes around. Karma. It's the universal truth. Mine anyway. I play it cool or, at the very least, try to. There's no reason to go bash without a reason or purpose. It's like anything else in life we can't get. Sometimes, I do fall but I do remember where I am on the road to reach my goal. I'm going to be ready and with the verbal slaps that should come my way, I got to stand and have the skill to bend enough to please without forgetting my voice. I struggled enough to remember that much.
A word for those who wondered. I am feeling better. I am getting better at this. No one needed to tell me. I can feel the difference. The structure is nothing like those first scripts and those words given to me by so many people, they came true. I evolve as a writer. Script by script. Concept after concept. The images keep on rolling into a flow. It's a stream I am tapping on. I promise I will not disappoint. Something I've denied myself for too long.
I've finished my first draft of "Spirited Hearts" and am focusing on "Forgotten Masquerade". The dream is alive, my mind is racing and my fingers are numbing away...All of it with a smile. I'm running Nat, don't you worry...
I got to stop before I sound like a real freaking stalker.