Wednesday, July 05, 2006

puke...the mental kind.

This post is not organized. Not categorized. It's just a real mind puke on things ripping at me.

Yes, I've got Asian descent. Yes, I look the part and once upon a time, I've wished I looked different.I wished I was white so I wouldn't be treated differently.

Ignorance is not bliss. Ignorance is a sickness but thankfully, it can be cured. To take that cure though, one needs to know he/she is sick.He/she needs to have a willingness to learn and to accept.

It's pretty closed minded. It's pretty shitty sometimes to be stared upon with that kind of glare. I had to remind myself we are in the 21st century.

Of course, it doesn't mean that stereotyping is limited to race. There are plenty of ways to be discriminated: Social status, education, sexuality, age, religion.

I wouldn't break the mold. I can't be strong enough to change the world and the views of everyone on this planet. You got to be pc about it too. You can't just talk about your differences outloud.People will judge you. Appearance, writing or whatever you will do. It's human nature to point at the differences. Don't talk about them. It just may look like you're trying to bring pity from other people.

It's so full of shit.

My experiences are not unique. Universally, others have felt and gone through the experiences I've had in my life. I live my differences every day. I don't deny them anymore. I've accepted who I am.It's fate, it's life. Name it however you want. It remains just who I am. Nothing trivial about it. We all carry our crosses.Who said life was easy?

Some may have had an easier start. Silver spoon and silky sheets. I've never had that but I can tell this much. After all this time, I wouldn't exchange my life for anything else in this world. Why?Why wouldn't I want to be someone else? To have something else better to start with? Because I understand I need to work at this. I need to achieve those goals. I'd get help but I'll never beg for it. Question of pride perhaps but it will nonetheless be me.

So who am I? What do I want?

I'm me. I want to smile when I reach the finish line in whatever endeavor I start.

Took me awhile to understand things. To understand my place here. Sure, I'd be a liar to say I know why I'm here. To say that I know EXACTLY who I am. I am learning though. Day after day. Tear after tear.If my life had to end, I'd want to know I've made some kind of impact. I am not alone.

So there I am. This poor Chinese guy in his mid thirties with dreams and goals. Dreams and goals that people will nod me with and then chuckle on the way out. Got nothing-- Nothing or no one to really support me other than with just words. I'm that American dream. Nothing in my pockets but every images of what I desire to achieve in mind.

Because those goals are things I love. Things I wanted to achieve. I don't want to get them for free. I never asked for anything from anyone for free. I work for it. I sweat and cry for them.
I am still here. Like Bruce Lee, I know I got something to do. Like him, I do my best to get there. It's a long road ahead but I've got faith. Faith in me. Faith in those images and hopes.

I should be pissed at everyone. I should be pissed at my life. I was. I honestly was pissed at everything and everyone for having things I never had. Then, after time, I realized I will have what I want. It's just a question of time.There's no if. There's only a when. Some people had shown some faith and confidence in my ability to write and to tell a story. They know I've got an imagination that continuously run even if most of the time, I will remain quiet.

At times, everyone needs a good kick in the ass to remember they need to step forward. I do. Every fucking day, I do. I see where I live. What I have. I'm content but know I can do more. I can do better.It's a pledge. Not a requiem in any way.

Even if sometimes, it does feel like it is.