Monday, September 11, 2006

Down the barrel

Where am I at?

At the moment, I am taking a little break from features and working on TnO instead. It’s refreshing and for some reason, it feels like it is attracting more. Sure, animation has always been a love of mine and still, I do know it is nearly impossible to push down a spec on an animated series. I have faith in this series. I hope it does go somewhere.

I also know I need to focus on the features first and start going into competitions. I’m targeting the 2007’s Nicholl if I can finish FoD. Not easy to write a drama without any actions. God knows I will try though even if this costs money I could use for something else.

In a personal side of life: I don’t know where my head is at. I just have nothing else but writing going on for me and when I do stop, I do feel this great gap. Going to poetry nights, watching movies and nothing else really of any consequences to my career brought me to wonder about things around me. It wasn’t always this way and maybe, just maybe, my life has come to be what it is. Dreaming and writing with a passion that I hold as the best part of me are what I have going for me.

The only places I can find some fellow writers at the moment are online. I know no one else in Montreal and that’s maybe another gap I will have to work at. Only a couple of friends I have here have given me some opinions and nothing else. I’ve been seriously thinking of moving to Vancouver but since I’m not a millionaire and far from a great financial support, I have to weight things up. It’s the tough part. Do something with nothing at all and it seems that if I do fail, I will be on my own. More the pity but hey, I know I’m a fighter. I will go on until I can’t type or imagine things no more.

I should be content. I should thank Heaven for what I have and I do. I’m not that much of an ingrate. I work to be where I want to be. It’s just that sometimes; I feel I’m standing all alone. Not asking for any pity. Not asking for anything but a tap on the shoulder. A tap that says, hey, I’m watching over you and if anything let me know.

Used to have that until I fucked things up. I think of that regularly. What if? What could have been?

It’s been over two years now and I still feel like I’m sinking. People tell me it takes two to tango, for the worst or the best of things. I don’t like to blame anyone else but myself. Too late for that. Game over on this chapter and trying to move on is one hard thing to do. I am at this moment, romantically, dead in the water. Fucking baggage.

So now, I’m looking up to the writer’s life with a bittersweet smile. It’s reality check time and I go along with it…

Maybe it’s really a damn fate of mine...And like Bruce Willis said, looking into his reflection on a mirror.

"Nobody likes you. Everybody hates you. You're gonna lose. Smile, you fuck." The Last Boy scout - 1991