Saturday, September 16, 2006

Remember. It's who you are.

Remember who you are.

Where you came from and why you're here.

HURT reminds me of all that and although I'm no drug addict, I can relate to what kind of pain the lyrics talk about. Friends gone and everything you've done seem to be trivial.

It's been a freaking long road for me.

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel

2 years ago, I've thought 2005 to be my last year on this earth. There was too much pain, too much of everything and I came down to bulk everything inside instead of letting go. Thankfully, I've met some great people that gave me that understanding nod that I will go on.

People I thought to be friends of mine vanish away when I needed them the most. Material things and financial well-being have again faded into a black cloud. I didn't know where to turn. I didn't want help from anyone else. This pain, I've thought it was the same I've dealt with many times before. I was wrong. I was heading down to blow my own candle.

I know now how wrong I was. I know it's rough to be living day by day but if anything, I have just to look up to the sky. Remind myself someone is watching over me. It has to be, I've done too much to still be standing today. I know I've pushed everything and everyone that tried to help me away when I needed them.

I'm blessed to know my family and friends stick with me through my healing first stage. I am broken still and I cannot heal these wounds. I just bear them but unlike before, I will not hide them away. They made me the man I am today.

I've hurt and let people down in the past. I swore to myself I will never do so again.

It had taken a lot to bring me where I was. I'm a fighter and a survivor. I know this but life has a way to come back to you and remind you that nothing is what it seems and nothing can be taken for granted. Funny thing and my problem is that I've known this, my fear of losing the best things in my life choke them out.

The wake-up call was the hardest thing I had to experience...But I found a way.

Much like I will find a way to bring what I hold dear close to me. May it be writing or a certain woman, I did realize what chance was given to me.

I am still right here.
I will find a way.