Tuesday, January 23, 2007


God knows I've done some hard soul searching in the past couple of months. Having close to nothing succeeded at speeding up the process.

It's never easy to be honest with oneself with all the peers and family pressure to go ahead...And when I mean 'going ahead', it actually meant to stand anywhere no matter if I would like the place or not. Do this, do that. Try this or that. And who cares if you like the job, the place or the people as long as it pays the bills.

Living or surviving.

Some would say you got to survive to be able to live. I'd go the opposite way and say I got to live to understand why I want to survive.

It's been a couple of years now since my personal life had taken a swift and abrupt turn. It did not stopped as I thought it would. I didn't think I had the strength to go through the change. For a time, I thought the event would make me tougher and it did, in a way. It made me understand I could deal with it and nothing on this earth or in life is made to be eternal. A wake-up call? At the time, it felt like someone had slapped me up the head with a brick.

Stay down and don't you even dare to stand up ever again. Life, as you knew it, is no more. Nothing else but negativity.

Thankfully, this lingering feeling vanished quickly enough. I've decided to live my life...Not for others! No. No more. I wanted to live this life for me.

Too long I have waited. Too long I've let myself flow for what others would expect of me. There were always things I wanted to achieve and make but then, I told myself I could do those things in another life. Another time.

Screenwriting in 2005 was far from my mind. I didn't understand why I forced myself to write short stories and poetry. What did push me to continue doing that?

My passion had always been about story telling. No matter if it was in words or in little sketches, there was always something bigger behind it. Every little drawing pieces I've made stood as a part or a fraction of a bigger world. A world I've created. A growing world that was mine to evolve out of. All of those words, drawing and little schematics were bringing me somewhere. I had no real focus. I just didn't get it other than the possibility to escape from reality without going completely insane.

And then, I started to show my stories. I've let others get into my head, my world...My dreams. I cringed and closed my eyes. I thought, heck, they would crucify me or even worse: they would laugh at me.

Talk about self esteem and confidence, huh? Thankfully, a bunch of people stood by me. Better, some of them...I never met before in my life! Those people were just blips on my computer! People from other countries and places I might never meet. Those people could have just passed on after reading my stories and vanish.
The surprise was that they never did leave. They continued to push me to go ahead and telling me how graphic and visual my writing was.

Astonishing, eh?

And in 2006, without having any clue what a script even looked like, I started to read books on the screenwriting craft. At the end of March, I had finished my first script's draft...And I continued on.

This was the beginning of a renaissance and it brought me a smile. I continued to improve and started to believe in myself again. I met extraordinary people, other writers and artists who were even more enthusiastic about my abilities than myself. What the hell is wrong with those people? ;) It felt great. There must be a reason why so many people believing in me. There must be a reason why I got to believe in myself and what I was meant to do here.

And then BANG! My financial stability got shattered with a restructuration. My plans to go to LA? GONE! My plans to participate in festivals? FORGET IT! What the hell is wrong? Why were those curve balls thrown at me again?

Didn't I suffer enough? Didn't I sacrifice enough? I refused to believe anything that happened to me. I refused to go down again. No way, man! I've gone too long with nothing...And then, I reminded myself of what was happening to me. I reminded myself that like two years ago, I needed to stand and focus. This is survival time once again. I lived with a smile and I will do so again. Believe. Believe and have a plan. What do I want to do now? Where should I be?

I sank for a moment. Christmas. Nothing. New Year's eve. Nothing. I kept asking Heaven why I was punished so hard? What did I do to deserve this?

Then an image came to me. As stupid and cheesy as it sounds, I remembered myself as a kid, smiling, surrounded by crayons. Then I cried.

I thought I lost everything I had and was. I needed to focus again. I was afraid to ask for help. No way. I'm not a loser! I'm a survivor. Then I cried.

During the Holiday Season, With tears to myself and a fake smile to others, I continued to write. Couldn't afford food. Couldn't afford to do anything else but sleep, research and write...Only to stop once again.

I was completely burnt with still a head filled with ideas and images. I just couldn't do anything anymore.

Fast forward to the beginning of January 2007... Tired...Had not even taken care of responding to many of my readers asking about my well-being. To some others, I just lied and told them I was doing okay when I was not. And I fucking cried again.

I pushed myself to pick up my scripts again and restarted to write. I had to. I must. The writing allows me to focus and let those images find a temporary resting place. I kept on thinking about what I've done all these years. I needed to remember who I was and why I was still here. Instinctively, I started to draw again.

I took a week-off writing and researching. I had to focus on my future. Bleak. Dark. Blurry?

Got to do some graphic on photoshop, draw characters on paper...Of course, I like this. I drew before knowing how to write. I enjoyed drawing and painting before anything else...It was my way of sharing stories before I could put them down into words. Yes, all kids do draw and paint. They all invent little stories to explain what this sun is doing and those sticks were daddy, mommy and whatever siblings...But I remember the ones I've made.

I remember those things I've painted and drawn. Those weren't Daddy or Mommy? These were soldiers invading a castle. Why? Because they wanted to defeat the bad guys. Why is the tower so big? Why this? Why that? Oh HELL! I wasted all this time to realize that my writing, my wishes to go to Hollywood and those dreams to tell stories really started with drawing???
Isn't that a bit immature?


"You should be in illustration."


"Your words and stories are so visual."


"I can picture your characters."


No way. I can't do this. I'm too old. Too much to learn...

"Did you take courses to do your graphics on photoshop?"....No.

"Did you read or know anything about screenwriting before 2006?"...Errrr...No.

"Why can't you believe you can learn? Why do you think it's too late?" or better..."Why do you think you started to write and why did you lose everything from your so-called past life?"

What do I do most of my free time? Drawing, writing, videogaming, researching...

Illustrations. Paintings. Words. Stories.

What do I enjoy the most? Movies, anime, manga, videogames...

Visions. Images. Words. Stories.

Dreams are nothing until you act and make them happen. They will take persistence, sacrifices, patience and dedication.

Would I love to be able to get all the rewards? Yes. Would I appreciate it even more if I make it happen? YES.

What is my next step? Where should I go with this?

The activity helped me see myself again. I wished I knew all the easy ways and avoid all this suffering. I wished I knew all the answers for myself.

What field would allow me to marry all of those things together in today's technological world?

Wait...Wait...Oh my GOD...Almost perfect timing?

As much as I believe in fate, I also understand the time restriction. I was given a chance. No more time to feel sorry for myself. I got to move. I have to do something. Survive and live again. Survive to live again. Not as an automaton doing something I wasn't meant to do but as what others and myself have come to realize... Story telling in a visual way.

I got to go back to school. Now or never. I must take advantage of this opportunity to do and make what I've denied myself to do for so long.

I took the time to research what was available to me. NAD? Icari? Concordia? Dawson? Interdec?

I called and emailed my first choices. Got a rambling from one. Got a bored voice on the other...And then, I got a friendly response out of Interdec's Digital Imagery coordinator...What will happen after that? There are so many steps and I lost so much time.

Then another email after explaining in general terms what my situation was. I thought, it would be a generic one this time. Got to be...And man, was I ever wrong but enough of this for now. Can't jinx it. Got to wait for another couple of steps. It's tough, I must admit I'm excited and anxious. Will this come through?

All of these experiences were lived through others. Nothing new here, this doesn't come to be an all mighty universal revelation. Nothing that would make the world turn but this ongoing denial I lived for so long was coming to a stop. Life for me did change and thanks to these personal experiences, the next step had been clarified. My renaissance is ongoing.

Curve balls or not...

If all goes right, the story will go into 2D/3D animation...