Friday, June 09, 2006

My drive and prayer

Why do I go through all this process? Why do I even think of going through it all?

I should stop. I should just push my keyboard away and call it the day. What would anyone expect from a miserable guy like me? What kind of ridicule imagination should a man like me bring to the all mighty HW?

I am no hack. I strive and burden myself at learning every bit of information as I can. Sure, I have some smarts and an imagination. No credit. No education to call for. Nothing fancy other than this little passion for movies and writing. I should stop, some would say but I just can't let it go. Maybe it will lead nowhere. Maybe it will be my break for the future. A legacy like I told myself. I need to leave with something that will remind others that I was there. I was that storyteller that made them smile/smirk/squirm.

Everything I've done up to now, I've done without going to school and taking courses for them. Yikes, eh? Well sure. Cringe away. I do but thanks to a lot of guidance and reading, I do get better. Some souls out there point and/or push me to improve. I'm a baby taking baby steps. I fall. I fumble a lot but I stand back up and smile. I don't and will not let this die. Even on my four, I will crawl toward my goal. Cut them away, I will slither and get my teeth in the business. I have nothing to begin with. I have everything to gain and it started well.

A lot of time. I cry alone. I snarl at myself when I procrastinate. Quit now! Leave it to professionals! You have not a chance in hell!

Tell you what! I have a chance as long as I write something people will read. I am already in Hell. You have no idea how much pain I have gone through to be where I am now. I am still alive and breathing. God, my witness, does see that in the very least, a few people have faith in my love and abilities to learn and adapt. One day, when I will make it, each and everyone of them will be just more than names coming out off my lips.

This is not a call for pity. This is my drive. A reminder for myself that I must do those things. Not because of a duty per se. It's something else much more emotional. With nothing going for myself, I've turned to my two constant loves to bring me back to life. This is my way to resurrection. Turn all those little things I have toward the only hope I have wanted to reach.

I am a strong believer in karma. I also believe we have been placed on this earth to accomplish something. This is my something. It's beyond just a dream. Much like any writers out there, I work to make it happen. I have a long way to go (as some told me) but it also means I am on the way. Screenwriting or anything I pour down into words is a piece of myself. It's an emotional process and this is who I am. This is all I have.

I have the good fortune of being surrounded by professionals and hopefuls. If I can help in anyway with my insight, I will not hesitate to do so. Those are my brothers and sisters in arms. It's a competition, of course, but who said I needed to cut throats and backstab anyone on the way? It's not me. I will not be me. Just that kind of guy who will stop a lot of things to listen to others talk and rant. It opens my eyes and allows me to evolve.

For all those nay-sayers that expected a big "fuck you", you will not get any of that. Instead, you get a "Thank you and remember my name". This path of mine might have started as a passion but it turned out to be really a love story. Something I should be scared of since all my love stories have turned to tragedies and losses.

I am here in the dark.


Crying...But in the end, I will leave something to remember me by.